The aimless rantings of an Amazonian Tree Frog

Long Time no see, peeps!

2006-09-21T06:14:00.000-07:00

I have somewhat neglected my blog, due to several factors.... lack of a permanent PC, and basically, folks, I bin a busy gal!

I found a job which coincided entirely with our moving to st Albans, in Hertfordshire, which is where Nick is starting his University course.
In fact, on the day we were signing our tenancy contract, I was also passed the name of an agency, and a representative of same, to contact about a temping job.
To cut a long and tedious story short, We moved into our miniscule bedsit o the 1st of August, 2006, I went for an interview on the 2nd, and worked on the 3rd, and have been here ever since!
This is where I work....

www.uands.com

.....What the company actually does is to troubleshoot any potential problem area concerning the media, communications and entertainment industry, (with regard to electronic and technical equipment) and solves any potential hiccups, before they become a logistical nightmare. From conception,through manufacture and production, through distribution and final exposure/sale to the public, we deal with it!
You could call us the Home Entertainment A-Team....Industry Gurus.....
It's utterly brilliant, the salary is not bad, and the people I'm working with are a great bunch!

Nick also has a good job, though it's very tiring...
He's working as a Security Officer at a University in Kingston,Surrey, which means quite a drive... 7 nights on, 7 nights off...12 hours per night... He does a lot of walking, and he's lost half a stone, so far, so he too is very happy.
He starts his course next week, so he's really looking forward to that!

We're on the up......Bring it on!

2006-07-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

I'm just sitting at my desk - correction - at my wonderful younger brother's desk - gazing out of the window onto a busy main road.... this is, nevertheless, lined with lime and maple trees, and the weather is hot and glorious.... a little girl, barefoot, and wearing a red summer sleeveless dress, is sitting on her garden wall, opposite, across the road, blowing countless soap bubbles into the air.... there are thousands of transparent, sperical rainbows in my sky.....everyone who passes her, smiles, or says something to her.....she is creating smiles every time the bubbles swoosh out, created by her effort.... not a care in the world, but to make lots of wonderful shiny bubbles.....
5 have two job interviews tomorrow.

TWO!!

One in the morning, is for a postion with a Garden Centre (Bliss! I love plants! I probably won't bring home enough money to live on - just enough plants to replenish a forest!) and in the afternoon, I have an interview with a local Private school, as a Receptionist/secretary. I also have other jobs I have applied for, in the pipeline, and there is an extremely Positive feeling in my bones....

My Partner said that life is like a heart Monitor... a constant, rhythmic beat of up and down..... well, things have been a bit irregular lately.... but you can't exist without the up and down....it's when it 'flatlines' that you have to worry....

UK - The Tree Frog has landed - !!

2006-06-26T07:44:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am, happily esconced in my generous younger brother's pad, and it's pelting down with rain, but - hey! I don't care! It's British rain! It falls and patters on the ground in English, and it wets newly-dried washing out on the line, in English wetness!
I have not been idle.... I have applied for a couple of jobs, and am hopeful, as the people in charge I spoke to all seemed impressed.... but there again, they're hardly going to be otherwise, are they? I mean, they're not going to actively be discouraging....
Nick is also looking for a job to tide him over until he starts Uni in October....
At least we have a roof over our heads, and when we speak to people, they don't look at us like we've just crawled out from under une pierre...!

So....Things are moving along...

2006-06-14T06:02:00.000-07:00

Currently, the pressure is not so heavy...
I'm staying at my partner's father's and step-mother's house, sleeping in their caravan.... All my belongings are wrapped up in cardboad boxes, and the rented house is now clear and vacated...I managed to move out lock, stock and barrel on Friday the 9th of June.... It's amazing how much crud you accumulate - ! I'm all for minimalist living!
On Friday 23rd, I'll be driving up through France and across the Channel to the UK, to Join Nick...I'll be staying at my brother's house, and he says I cn stay as long as I need...
Nick is doing well on his Law Entrance Course, and looks set to get into University for September....
So things are on an even keel at the moment....
Priority once in the UK will be to get permanent accommodation, and a job!

Present space to be observed on an ongoing basis.....!

oops, there goes another Rubber Tree Plant - !

2006-06-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

Nothing’s impossible I have found,
For when my chin is on the ground,
I pick myself up
Dust myself off,
and start all over again!

(Yes, I know it's a different song....But I like 'em both at the moment.....!)

Don’t lose your confidence - if you slip,
Be grateful for a pleasant trip,
Just pick yourself up,
and dust yourself off
And start all over again,

work like a soul inspired, ’til the battle of the day is won - !
You may be sick and tired, but you’ll be a man my son (and daughter!)

Will you remember the famous men,
who had to fall to rise again?
So take a deep breath,
pick yourself up,
dust yourself off
and start all over again!

OK...Here's the latest....

My Partner is in the UK...
Tomorrow he starts his Law Course entrance pre-exam study....
He's never coming back to France though.

I, on the other hand, am packing up and shipping out...

I am currently surrounded by packing cases, mess and so - much - stuff - !!
The house we are living in is soooo tiny, but you wouldn't believe the amount of crapola two people can accumulate - ! So I'm having a great clear-out, which is very bracing - !!
Over the next few days, i'm going to be steadily shifting all these carefully packed, and meticulously marked boxes out and over to my partner's dad's place....
All but the clothes - mine and Nick's....

Because on June the 23rd, I am waving adieu to France. And no, it won't be 'Au Revoir' - !!
Nick's dad is going to drive me over to the UK.... returning on the Ferry Nick was supposed to originally be getting for his return journey...
I'll be taking all our clothes and any necessary paperwork...
But the bulk of our stuff will stay here, until such a time as we're in a position to come backto France with the sole purpose of collecting it.
I shall be staying at my younger Brother's tiny one-bedroom maisonette, whilst he's abroad working for a month; this will give me the time, and spur me, to find something more permanent, and try also to get a job.... Nick's already been scouting around for employment, and is informed I should have no problem finding employment in the travel/tourist sector - with three languages, I am obviously hopeful, but I've fallen into the trap of counting the chickens before.....so I'm cautiously optimistic.....

So Entries here, and participation on the forum I frequent, will be sketchy and sporadic from now on....
If all my good friends read this - please know - even if I go quiet for a while, it will not be out of choice, but necessity.... I will be back, and always with a spring in my step and a laugh to share....

Always expect the unexpected - even if you expected it...

2006-06-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

Well, voilà - Don't they say "the opera ain't over til the Fat Lady sings" - ?
She's about to launch into her aria.....

My landlady came round yesterday, to ask what the court's decision had been, and I told her I hadn't received anything from them... She then asked whether I hadn't rung them, and I said yes, but that they'd been unable to tell me anything positive....
All of which is true, but skirted around the issue.....
So she explained that if nothing was forthcoming, by way of rent, she would have to instigate legal proceedings against us for the late rent, and eviction.....

So I am resigned to the fact that we shall have to leave very soon. There is no financial assistance available for rent, and inspite of an appliction for additional supplementary income relief, this has also been turned down. Without reason. But they're not obliged to give one....

Entries to my blog will be sporadic and infrequent from now on...I am packing all our things away....

My partner is in the UK, having safely arrived at his destination, after some planning went awry and panic set in. To his delight, having been under the impression that he had no money, he found a €10 note in a pocket of his wallet, and used it to buy some food and to pay his way through the Dartford Tunnel....so that was ok.... at least he is now focussed on the matter of this entrance course and exam.... that ball is rolling positively....
My father-in-law and his wife are being absolute towers of strength...they came ound today and took charge, and removed several large items from the house, in order to expedite the move.... So I fully expect to be out of this house, and esconced with them, by the middle of next week...

watch this space. it promises some interesting blank pages.....

The Skandas, or 5 Aggregates, and Me, Myself, I....

2006-06-02T04:35:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a few days ago in response to a thread on this forum:

It is not clear-cut and definitive...it is merely my thinking on the subject, and my personal opinion and thoughts on the subject....
Whether it may be viewed as right, wrong, logical or nonsense is up to you....
I merely wrote down my understanding of the subject....
I know not whence these thoughts or words came - I only know they strike a chord within me, and that they helped me put everything into perspective....
they helped me a lot......

"The question of 'Self' is a highly pertinent one to me at present, because the First Noble Truth's iron skillet is whanging me on the cranium with alarming consistency and precision in its aim, at the moment - !!

The only way I can describe my interpretation of 'Self' and how I actually bring the concept to reality - and live in the Now - is to literally stop everything I'm doing, and to be still....

I just focus on my breath, and retreat inwardly....

I separate my physical body - the Material Organism - from what is happening, because my arms, legs, feet, hands and internal organs are not what is 'suffering'.... They are fine, in good health, even if they are getting a little worn....So my 'suffering' does not lie there....

I separate my daily constant mental machinations - my Consciousness - from what is happening, because "There is nothing either good nor Bad but that thinking makes it so".... My Consciousness can only be assaulted if I choose to label events as depressing or negative....but my Consciousness is affected by my weakness in perception - and Perception is often DEception - So my 'suffering' does not lie there.....

I separate the way I physically feel and sense things - my Sensation - from what is happening, because events and situations are not tangible....they do not affect me because I cannot touch them - I cannot smell them - I cannot hear them, or see them, although I am either spoken to or I read ABOUT them, through communication with relevant and/or pertinent parties....And I certainly cannot taste them - although they might leave a bitter taste in my mouth should I let them - !l My brain, as a sensory organ, which houses and manifests through these other five senses, and by association therefore transforms and manifests them - is also, by consequence, unaffected.... So my 'suffering' does not lie there.....

I separate my understanding and opinion - my Conception - from what is happening, because this is apt, more than any other of the five aggregates, to deceive me, as it is home-grown....Without other input, I am unable to weigh up without judgement or prejudice, that which drives others to think, say and do, that which they choose to think say and do.... they must remain responsible for everything that comes from them...But I must view it in Compassion, Love and Wisdom.... whatever the consequences upon me, I have to recognise that they are sentient beings and also 'suffering'.....So my 'suffering' does not lie there.....

I separate my will and desire - my Volition - from what is happening, because it is this aspect which is not only at the source of suffering, but it is where my Karma is generated.... If I permit my Will and desire to cloud my Judgement - my perception, my View of Things as They Really Are - then this more than anything else, has the powere to shape my Life and render it unsatisfactory..... I sit and contemplate that, if I move outwards, I can see other human beings in my village, in the town nearby....And all these people have issues and problems of their own....many, I'm sure, far more serious than mine..... and look - Mr. Blair, and Mr. Bush have huge, monumental colossal problems of their own....So in the great scheme of things, what I want and wish for, is really very trivial, and in the Great Scheme of Things, something so trite and inconsequential, that it becomes laughable....So my 'suffering' does not lie there.....

So what is it, that is suffering.....? If my suffering has no abode, because I can compare myself to the existential components of a tree, or a cloud..... what is it that is suffering? Where is the suffering?

Gone.....
If ever it was here at all.....

Because even if it exists, there is nothing that it can affect...... I have myself at the centre of this whirling maelstrom of events which seem to be conspiring to pull me down....(At least the Titanic eventually hit the bottom!) yet there is No Self to endure the suffering....

Simple, really....."

To know more about the Skandas, or Five aggregates, look here......

Remember the Titanic....?

2006-06-01T02:46:00.000-07:00

....I only mention this, because it sank, after hitting an iceberg on its maiden voyage... down she went, and hit the bottom...
Well, like the Titanic, I have reached the bottom, but unlike the Titanic, I am still sinking.....

We received the court's decision on Wednesday, and to my utter dismay, horror and astonishment - they found against me.

I cannot for the life of me fathom out why....
Every internet site I have visited, on French Industrial Tribunal procedures, verdicts, results and what have you , have without exception, stated that the verdict is almost always in favour of the employee.
I was further encouraged by the fact that every single argument the company put forward, every single lie they told, and every single misleading, defamatory and fabricated statement the tabled, I was able to counter-argue, reveal as a lie, and completely pulverise and destroy. They truly didn't have a single leg to stand on....
Or so it seemed.....
Well, with one short abrubt and succinct statement, it would appear that the judges did not see fit to consider all the salient facts before them....They found in favour of the company.

I can only presume they simply did not bother to read the documentation.....

Finances are dire -

what am I talking about?

There are no finances to speak of. I haven't got a single solitary Euro-centime to my name - tell a lie, I have six. But otherwise, I am completely and utterly penniless. And my partner's unemployment benefit goes in, in five days, but it comes to below the ovedraft figure....so even though we'll have money paid into the account, we won't see any of it.
I have €48 worth of food vouchers, to spend at a given supermarket - but that's it. And of course, they're not exchangeable for cash...

My partner is, as I speak, sitting at Boulogne ferry Dock - having missed his earlier ferry crossing - and has not a bean on him, either. He must be starving...He left home this morning at four and was supposed to catch the 09:55 ferry, local time. He spent all remaining cash on fuel for the car, and will have to drive to Cambridge when he gets to the other side...His only course of action is to find a jeweller in the UK and sell one of the items he's got on him, for some cash.
I'm worried the jeweller will think he's stolen them...... I can't really think that far ahead.....

He is absolutely beside himself - incandescent with rage - because he just ran out of signposts...he was so angry on the 'phone to me, it was all I could do to keep calm and not slam the 'phone down on him..... But that would have been a big help, wouldn't it - ?? And I'm right - he is bloody hungry.....
He catches the ferry at 1:00 pm... and he's got to go through the Dartford Tunnel - which has a fee..... Oh Good Grief.....

Look at me Ma, Top of the World... the trouble is, it's a long drop.....

I'm smiling, I'm smiling.....!!

Time goes by so slooooowly.....

2006-05-25T00:54:00.000-07:00

It was Nick's birthday yesterday, though with one thing and another, it was a quiet affair... We are planning the details of our return to the UK, and realise that it has to be organised with all the finesse and attention of Military precision... It's not going to be an easy thing to engineer.
I'm counting the days, which are passing frustratingly slowly, until the 31st - which is when the Industrial Tribunal will announce its decision on whether I have been successful in my action against the company I am suing for not honouring the contract.... This is a toughie....

Nick is returning to the UK on June 2nd to do his entrance exam to Law school.... The cross-channel ferry trip is paid, but all he has for his three week stay there, to fund food and petrol, is €200 (338 Aus. $) and that includes his petrol and motorway fees through France too. He's also got to pay his course entrance fee, which is £100. (around $250).
It's obviously nowhere near enough.....

That's left me with twenty Euros, for all and any expenses I might incur whilst he's away.... and of course, as he's taking the car, I'm stranded and isolated in a small, one-horse tiny village, nine kilometres from the nearest big town....

That is every single cent we have in the world, at the moment, and no other source of income on the horizon - And I've just received the Electricity bill reminder....so you can see why I need this action to be found in my favour - !!

Mind you, on the fourth or fifth of May, Nick will have his unemployment benefit going in to the account - which is around eight hundred Euros - and currently, through diligence and care, and cancelling a few direct debits and standing orders, we are now "down" to a mere odd seven hundred euros overdrawn - so it's not too bad, is it - ?? We shall be in the Black for the first time in a long time!!

Three cheers - !!

Up and down, up and down, up....

2006-05-19T00:58:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night was bad.
For some inexplicable reason, I was overwhelmed with a black sense of despair....
I looked to the future, and I saw none....
No money, no home, no income, no hope....
The situation today, is no different to the way it was on Wednesday evening.... Still dire, still seemingly hopeless....and yet I am buoyant....
When the suffocating thickness of the blackness engulfs me, I think of those with whom I am in close contact - some have worse tales to tell than I... And I think:
"What's the very worst thing that can happen?"

All manner of answers spring up, but mainly, the principal one is "Who knows? wait and see...."
Ridiculous that, in the midst of all this unfolding uncontrollable disaster, one of my main thoughts is, "Where shall I put all my potted plants - ?"

Writing an awful lot about Karma, at present, on the fora I frequent.... the more I read and expound, the clearer, and more logical my moments seem to be....

So today is "Up" then, you might have gathered....

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse....

2006-05-11T02:09:00.000-07:00

...They did.

I went to the 'Centre Medico-Social' today (The Social security, income support place) and apparently, I am not elligible for any financial support, until Nick finishes his unemployment benefit. Then, we can BOTH apply, but it's guaranteed that our "income" will drop from €1,500/month, to around €600.... Considered adequate for an unmarried couple without children....

I have also applied for Rent Assitance, but it will have to be considered...It's not a 'given'....

So The Bank is going to have to wait a little longer for the overdraft to be paid off...At this rate, I'm looking at 2020...!!

"Still and all, I'm happy...
the reason is you see,
That, once in a while, along the way,
Life's been good to me....."

i'll just check my diary to se when the last time was, exactly....!

2006-05-07T23:52:00.000-07:00

I guess one has 'Up' days and 'Down' days.....
Today, unfortunately, is one of the latter.....

As the 31st of May draws ever nearer, the Seeds of Doubt (sown last Autumn when all this took the legal twist away from Arbitration) are now sprouted and about a foot high... they're a bit like beans.... turn away for a minute, and hey presto!!.... when you go back to them, they're even taller, and twining, clinging and engulfing everything.... and bearing flower and fruit already....

The creeping, insiduous, all-encompassing doubt, about whether we win this case or not, is uneasily growing greater...
I try to calm my rising fear by remembering the logic and precision with which we managed to demolish their arguments...the clever way in which we exposed the lies in their statements...the precision of our chronologically accurate accounts of events, as opposed to their confusing, vague and imprecise fairy-tale....
Surely, I keep telling myself, we can't lose? How on EARTH could they possibly find in their favour? Their strategy and intention to obscure the truth and the travesty of their arguments cannot possibly sway the judges, and win the day....

But what if it does?

What if in fact, we have to appeal?

And it has just occurred to me that BOTH sides have a Month in which to launch their appeal, and if they DO lose, but opt for this, then, even if they decide to not proceed with the appeal in the end, they can keep us waiting a further month before they start to pay out and discharge their responsibilities....

And in the meantime... What do we live on?
And how do I tell the bank that, inspite of their patience, they are going to have to wait another uncertain month before finances start to trickle in.... Always assuming that either they don't appeal, or that if they DO appeal, their appeal is turned down....? And how long does one have to wait for an appeal to go though the procedure, from the time it is launched, to it being turned down....Or upheld?

And even if my parner does go to the UK to sit this Law exam for Entrance to the fianl course....
Where will we live? And how will we finance the move back to the UK? And what exactly will apy and fund all of this....

If the court doesn't find in our favour at all.....?

I can see everything going very pearshaped.....

2006-05-04T01:35:00.000-07:00

No more grumbling, or sulking,
or hating my state,
No more crying, or letting my troubles
confound me:
But Laughing -
And loving the friends all around me -
And soon, I shall find,
If I REALLY keep trying.....
I have enough blessings
to keep me from crying.

"I have today, tasted the true flavour of friendship and it is a sweet, intoxicating nectar..."

we are blessed and fortunate to have had a couple of people step into the breach and offer their support. In this case, it is financial, and will get us out of a hole....But it is worth noting that I am very humbled and sobered by their offers... And I don't want to get too effusive and sentimental, but their wonderfully selfless actions do put things into perspective for me. When the shit hits the fan, you can usually count the poeple who stick around on the fingers of one hand.... but they are simply the best ones you could ever hope to have.
I had to swallow hard, overcome my pride, and I asked for help.
What a wonderful blessing that those whom I asked, were willing to extend that help.
Pride is a terrible thing... One of the Seven deadly Sins, and I can see why - ! It has so many faces! But all of them stop you from advancing and seeing your friends....Boastful and egotistical, it will thwart your every move at every turn.

Things definitely look better today....
I'll keep you posted....

"I am sooooo Happy - How on EARTH could I be otherwise - ?!?"

Oh Bother.....

2006-05-02T22:59:00.000-07:00

The help upon which we had pinned all our hopes has not come through, and said hopes now lay dashed.
for reasons best known to themselves, the person to whom we turned for help has declined to make us this loan, even though my partner and I both know that it would not inconvenience them, and that it would be paid back. It seems this had been decided almost as soon as we had made the request, but they failed to contact us with their decision.... It was left to us to go through a long weekend, with gut-wrenching knuckle-whitening teeth-gritting hope - only for us to have to ring them on tuesday, to be told in cagey, multi-excuse fashion that, nope, sorry, couldn't do it... must dash, I've got a meeting....

So we are sunk. Actually, desperately sunk.
And I don't have a clue what on earth we can do about it. All barriers are down, all avenues closed... and I have to go to the bank today, to ask them for enough cash to buy some food.
Life is difficult.

2006-04-21T01:37:00.000-07:00

1st Noble Truth:

Life is difficult.

There should be an appendix to this Truth that reads:
("You can say that again.")

I can't really go into too much detail, for several reasons:

1) This situation does not only concern me... It concerns my loved one, who values his privacy.

2) I'm of the opinion that somethimes, people in general disclose far too much about themselves....this leaves them vulnerable to some who may delight in spreading gossip or discussing the topic elsewhere...It's not very responsible, really... With all due respect, one never knows who, exactly, is reading this off their screen, nor what they are thinking....

3) The situation which cause this entire difficulty, is still subject to a law-suit, and I am awaiting a decision from the Judiciary, for May 31st....

UPDATE: 27th April 2006:

In the meantime, my Unemployment Benefit period has now expired, and I am "transferring" to Income support....
Our bank account has been continuously in the red (in fact it's so far red, it's deep crimson!) for longer than the accepted period, so now our bank cards have been rendered null and void, and I've had to hand in the chequebooks too.
the bank is prepared to authorise a weekly maximum sum of €100 ($125) per week, for all and any expenses (shopping, fuel, etc) but all standing orders and direct payments have to be halted unless they are bank related.
So my car insurance has to be suspended, as will Nick's... Which is a pity, given that his insurance is paying for a Lawyer to fight the case in court regarding the fraudulent state of his car when we bought it ( the owner had clocked it and made illegal modifications)....

To top it all, we are having an enforced gas/fuel delivery (no piped gas here... all in bottles or containers...) because at the last delivery, in february, when I carefully budgetted and ordered sufficient gas to last until June) the delivery engineer reported the Gas holding tank as being outdated. So they opted to come and change it to a new one, but in doing so, permitted a certain quantity of stored gas to escape. Which meant we ran out a lot earlier than I had anticipated. However, the lost amount is too low to justify a delivery, so I have had to order the minimum quantity specified, and I will be paying the difference.
About $250.
The bank will doubtless be thrilled.
I haven't had a shower for three days, because the gas has been so low, and I daren't cook anything for too long, in case of mid-cooking end of gas - ! You can imagine, can't you?
'Place in a low oven and cook for three days.... remove, throw away. '

next month, My car has to go through it's compulsory MOT (Contrôle technique) mechanical inspection, and I know, (from the last time!) that there are things requiring attention.... And Nick has to somehow finance his trip to the UK to do this Law exam....

1st May 2006:
Well inspite of my every effort, I feel quite low today...
The banks are shut today (they always are on Mondays, public holiday or no) and so if I need anything, I'll have to go cap in hand tomorrow....
We are waiting on tenterhooks for someone to come abck to us on a loan we have requested (all legal and above board, terms of repayment, signed letter) but still no word... it's keeping us on edge.
If they are unable to help, we'll be ruined. Sunk. But really, really done for....And I have no idea what we could do next.
I'm hanging on by my fingernails, for the 31st of this month....

2006-03-24T22:25:00.000-08:00

Today was my youngest daughter's birthday....
She was 15.
I didn't send her a card, because finances are that tight, but I did ring her....
She lives with her father and elder sister, about five miles away....
I haven't seen her for a few weeks... and I haven't spoken to her for that long, either....

You see, I'm divorced.

If married couples (happily or otherwise) ever get to discuss the subject of separation, and divorce, and they do have kids, chances are that they will nobly vow to never use the kids as pawns, or as weapons, and that the split will be amicable, and in their best interests, and that all will be fair in love and war.

Well let me tell you right now, that's bullshit.

I had been the participant in a completely loveless marriage for far longer than is sensible. It was a long marriage - 22 years, but to say it was stagnant and lifeless would be doing a great injustice to stagnant and lifeless objects....
Mentally, we were planets apart. Physically, even further...
And it wasn't recent. This was something that was by now so habitual, I'd have a problem really pinpointing exactly when it all turned pear-shaped.... but it was way, way too long ago....

And because it had become a habit, it was convenient. For both of us. I had a roof over my head, food on my table and money to spend. And I did my own thing, quite a lot. I had my own social circle, and did things I wanted to do, and had two young children (albeit 8 years apart) to bring up.

He too, found it immensely convenient... He had a gifted and intelligent wife, with a good sense of humour, clever, good cook, versatile, multi-lingual... I had my uses.... So that was a good trophy to have...
So I pretty much spent most of my married life bringing my two girls up, and that too, was a challenge...
The first was so sweet-natured as a kid, you'd think butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She was popular, sociable, fun to be with, and over time, became a 'best friend'... We could talk about everything and anything... We even spoke about her father, and how hurtful his indifference was...I'm incurably romantic, you see... and he was about as romantic as a plank.
I progressively felt more and more sidelined... and a major move abroad did nothing to improve matters, given that he had to commute first to one different country, then another, to work...
I became even more independent and distant from him...If that was possible to increase.....

My younger daughter was utterly different to the first...
never a day went by when she didn't make us all howl with laughter, but she was also exasperating, demanding, truculent, temperamental, and really, just plain difficult....

But they were my two girls. I had great fun and games with both of them... we cemented the relationship between the three of us, and grew closer and stronger as a unit, every day.

Or so I thought.

UPDATE: 15th April 2006

Through work, I met a wonderful man, and fell in love with him... It was a seemingly rapid and apparently reckless thing to do, but it is a reliable measure of just how little my ex- and I actually ever connnected. By this time, he had ceased working overseas, and was back at home... we existed like lodgers - two people sharing the same roof-space.
So the feelings I had not entertained for too long to contemplate, were welcome, refreshing and vibrant, and more than I was prepared to deny.
Quite the opposite....

My ex- has since admitted that whatever it was we had, died an indeterminate time ago... he feels nothing for me.... he doesn't want me in the house, or near him, and feels uncomfortable in my presence. I think it intimidates him, because he knows I'm much 'stronger' than he is... But he hates my partner... he cannot stand the thought, sight or sound of him... and feels very hard done by.

But I'm sorry - is one supposed to sacrifice any potential future happiness, for the sake of the contentment of others? If an opportunity to re-blossom, grow and be happy presents itself, is it mandatory to deny it, to sacifice it and to refuse to take the opportunity, because it would upset others?
Who'd thank me?
It was expected of me to stay around whatever the outcome... It was taken for granted that naturally, the wishes and happiness of others was far more superior and important to my own...
It was naturally assumed that the deadbeat, monotonous, aimless life I was personally leading would be naturally more preferable to anything else I might find...

So I did the unthinkable. I did the unforgivable.
I became the wife & mother, who put herself first. Just for a change.

I took a long hard look at my ex- and knew he was going nowhere. My two girls were old enough and big enough to see and understand that these things happen....

How wrong could I be?

On the 15th of October, 2004, I left.

It is now 18 months - to the day - that I left the house.
Since that time, I have had a culmination of a calculated and estimated five days with the two girls. They won't speak to me, they scarcely acknowledge me if I need to go to the house for anything, and I am as important in their lives as maybe a domestic cleaner going in once a month, might be.
The relationship I once had with them - warm, funny, close, intimate - is like another world, another time...

And in fact, that's exactly what it is.

I am Buddhist.
All things are transitory and Impermanent.
Emotional attachments are the same.
Some attachments are healthy and nourishing...
Attachments that can be described as 'clinging' or 'grasping' are not healthy.
So my attachment to the Love I have for my daughters is a good one. It is permanent, unchanging and unconditional.
But I have no attachment to the negative, distressing and painful aspect of this drama...

it is unnecessary. It is a hindrance and not something I need pay attention to.

I take responsibility for my actions.
One creates ones' own karma. the results of which are ours to utilise and transform, into something positive.

So, painful as it could be (and was, whilst I was 'working through it') I cannot waste valuable energy flogging myself over the results... I am not the only player. They too, must take responsibility for their own actions and reactions.
Life can hurl an awful lot of crap our way. Whether we decide to use it as a wonderful fertilizer to produce roses, is up to us.